Sunday, November 26, 2006

for the first time when i'm 23

soundtrack: Chizh & Co - Krugom Taiga
mood: smokin' hookah, drinkin vodka

this is the first post when i'm 23. yes, this past friday i turned 23. what an age! those birthdays make me feel sort of bitter-sweet. on one hand a year has passed and i've learned more, on the other hand one year less to live. anyhow, this birthday was very nice. i've spent it surrounded by my old friends and it has been really good - drinking, joking, talking. as they say: you'll spent your next year the way you've met it and if the coming year means being surrended by old friends while drinking and joking - i say yes!
now on the other note, i'm kinda sad that since i've broken up with my old girlfriend, i've become closed and caucious about people. it's really weird, but it's just not the same anymore. i think all the girls i meet, i don't make an appealing performance anymore. the bizzare thing is that i'm just too scared to open up - i've done it once and got hurt by this woman who doesn't even understand it and who still keeps on writing me occasional emails, thinking that things are fine and we should re-start talking. no fucking way! you've gone too far, darlin - make me open up, hurt me and then expect to be friends and all. thanks but no thanks.
fuck, it seems like i'm using this place as some kind of area where to get my bitterness out. even if i do - who cares, barely anybody reads it!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

after some time

mood: nighttime delirium
soundtrack: Russian Songs 101 Radio

wow, it's been a while since I wrote here for the last time. for the past month and a half I've been overwhelmed with the amount of work there has been. i've been literally tearing myself apart between school work, search for internships, socializing and sleep. can't recall the last time I worked my a$$ off as much.
it's a pity i have barely had any time for personal life while juggling between all these things that are going on around me.
but then there is temporary light at the end of the tunnel. i will be leaving for richmond during thanksgiving. it's unbelievable but i haven't seen val for 2 years now. time really does fly, because i can clearly recall our last meeting. it was in dc, thanksgiving 2004. anyhow, this break is promising as i will be celebrating my birthday in richmond with val, tanya, beslan, kamol and the rest of rcn crew. at the same i will also have to start working on some of my end of semester researches, but let's not talk about them right now.
i've also decided to go home for this winter break. it has been 4 years since i was home for christmas for the last time and this was a big reason for my decision to head to estonia this christmas. i just feel so alienated from my family and going there now would be a good occassion to strenghten my links. at the same time this trip will allow me to relax properly after this intense semester and think through the strategy to secure a worhtwhile experience for the summer. this wouldn't have been possible if i would stay in the states cus my stay would involve constant movement from one place to another.
feel like i should perhaps go crash as tomorrow i will need to prepare for the midterm the whole day + meet this russian media figure Kiselev who is coming to Middlebury to speak. oh man, the life here never slows down...